Past the Future

When I met him, my meaning came from moments of approval. For a long time, I longed for approval from others. Deep down, I wanted it from myself. I didn’t know that at the time. I knew I was not happy with myself. When other people were happy or pleased by what I did or said, I learned to do more of what it was they wanted or liked. When I could not please everyone, I chose easier targets and more attainable goals. Ever since then, I have lied to myself about what I truly value. My values became less virtuous over time. When the guy showed me approval, I stopped caring about everyone else because his approval was all that mattered. I started to investigate his wants and set out to be everything he needed. In my heart, what I felt in him was the same in me. Loving him wasn’t hard. Being loyal, listening to his thoughts, hopes, and dreams…continuing to learn about him gave me purpose. Because I was so willing to see things from his perspective, I would let go of some of my own morals. He seemed to admire that about me—my agreeable nature. It made me unique, seeing as everyone around him seemed to be so judgmental and condescending. When I told him how I had let go of my emotions in the past and my inability to care about what I used to, he could relate. He too had lost a lot of hope after going through his own highs and lows. It was as if all we ever wanted was to be understood, even if it was in a way that wasn’t seen as insane.

We became each other’s source of confidence. It was as if our Egos had manifested into reality. Or magnetized and found one another in desperation of healing. Our delusion of how life should be made us more doubtful of how life actually went. If we wanted it, we should’ve been able to get it. If there’s a will there’s a way. If it’s my will, it should go my way, because the ability to control the outside world had been somewhat manageable (delusionally). So to me, I figured if we could manage more, we would gain more happiness. That was crazy. How I coped in craziness is still questioned to this day. It’s almost as if the pain I felt deep inside me fueled my false hope. I was always hoping things would magically get better without having to change my way of thinking. I expected things to change simply because they were not going my way and that wasn’t how it was supposed to be. Life had always been “manageable”.

Maybe pain that is produced by the ego only provides the ego with hope. Like the toxoplasma gondii that attracts mice to where cats reside, the ego-hope makes us think where we are going is the right place. Something within me (maybe the holy spirit) knew I was wrong knew and knew that I was treading in high water. I was losing myself. I was willing to give it up for the ego, because my ego was what had had learned to depend on in my past. When someone else became all I depended on, I had someone else to blame, further inflating my ego.

I denied many truths for many years. Living in denial distorted my perception like a Funhouse of mirrors. The more I let go of reality, the easier I could deny what was right. The more mirrors I looked into, the less I remembered my true reflection. My point of view had become lost in the maze.

My deepest truths could barely be found and brought to light the further I ventured into the dark. Day to day, I did what I had to do to keep my ego alive which involved lying, manipulating–anything covering up my character defects. I was fueled by my will to survive and stay out of the light. I did not choose to go about honestly, apologetically, with a better understanding of myself. Lie or die. If I did not hide enough of myself, I had to lie more later to convince other people my intentions were pure. I was convinced friends of mine did not truly care for me. I felt they did not love me for who I was. In reality, I was sick and they did not love the disease that had taken over me. When everything real began to fade in my life, I went to my guy for clarity. He gave the world to me. In that world, I was not condemned or criticized. He understood my pain, my pity, my helplessness. We needed the same things from each other. I invited his pain because the longer we stayed within each other, the more time we spent outside of the rest of the world. We became more and more of each other, choosing loyalty over the rest of them. We approved of one another’s complaints about life and felt justified. The lower our standards became, the higher we went. We put our “needs” above our core values. Whatever our reasons were for doing wrong, it was supported. We defended our actions despite what other people wanted or knew to be true of the situation. Being disconnected from friends and family over time only drove us deeper into depression. The approval we once had from others diminished. Knowing despair made us a perfect pair. We helped dig each other’s ditches. We kept each other helpless because any effort to make a change that required true sacrifice was risking too much. We knew true sacrifice would mean admitting the worst, agreeing to do what other people wanted us to, and allowing the weight of the world to separate us. Avoiding the truth of the arguments that came from our dark daze only made us more open-minded to the source of our power. We came to believe we were doing the right thing by being on the same side, regardless of what morals we used to defend. We found the approval we needed to keep on going. We didn’t doubt what was in us, only what was outside of us. Pride was like a gun loaded with ego.

Running from reality made sense when I was lost in a desert and given the hope of an oasis, only to find out later that it was just a mirage. My guy was my reason to stay alive and I would not see him or myself as the source of our own suffering. When I lost him to exhaustion, the foundation I had built on him proved to be hollow and unstable. We collapsed under pressure and were left in ruins. The ego was shaken and cast out of my being. Without it, I felt what I was without him–weak, guilty, full of shame. The sadness of losing friends and family flowed through the empty parts of me that once served a purpose. Now I felt like I was being seen for what I truly was—worthless. I was only another mistake of his. I was lost, crazy, manipulative, the true enemy. All I had done was hold him back, use him for my own gain, and once again made him out to be the fool. All that he had given up to be with me was a waste and I was not worthy of love. I was shown to be a neurotic, alcoholic, codependent, toxic waste of space and time. My doubt and fear of judgment manifested into psychosis. I was hearing direct and cruel criticism of what had been going on for the past year. I had never been told by the family that I was not seen as a nice, supportive companion for him. To hear that I would never be worthy of his love broke me into pieces. Every bit of trust that I had earned was taken away and destroyed word for word in my skewed mental state. I was “sinful”. They were telling my guy we were “living in sin.” That I was “manipulating” I was just some girl from the bar…he had just went and picked me out and he thought it was love? I was desperate for attention and was attached to him. I was dependent on him and it gave him the idea that he couldn’t live without me. I was not worth his time or effort. It was a dark few hours and every voice I heard came from outside the room I was in.

The most common type of auditory hallucinations are voices that sound like people who are familiar. Many are thought to happen from a burnt out brain, causing the prefrontal cortex (where consciousness occurs) and auditory part of the brain to mesh. Obviously what I heard that day rose from terror. To be ripped apart unexpectedly, without any sign or warning that it would happen, was the way I had to be tortured and ultimately taken by darkness. The voices I heard had always been people fighting outside or people in the distance. Radio waves transmitted music in the shower. Moments of disconnectedness had made me come to think my delusional thinking was not confined to my mind anymore. My “growing awareness” was comprehended as an ability to sense more than what was on the surface. The way I could deny what was wrong and twist it into what seemed righteous to me. My ways of thinking had “transcended” those around me. The energy I put towards staying up and solving the mystery of my survival made my heart cold. I was frozen in time until the alarms kept going off. In my head, it was only my fate. It was my burden to bear. Being unaccustomed to the reality of other people’s opinions, I became intrigued with the drama and detailed demise of confidence. The demons had caught me in an isolated, confused state. I had started disconnecting further, I had started doubting the man I loved. It’s almost as if my ego was a fire that no longer kept me alive. It consumed me and was starting to light up everything around me. When my guy became a witness to this, he stopped trying to control it. My safety was compromised. I felt abandoned and the trust I had in him was taken in those moments of terror. When he used to defend me, I had felt hope. When he came to me after giving up trying to save me, he said there was nothing to defend. The old fears that had once drowned him in sorrow had resurfaced. There was no faith, no walking on water. He was no longer my savior. There was no peace to calm the fury of our faults and failures.

We were separated and lost the ability to communicate. The ways we had made, the thinking that kept our minds set on escape, were now diverging paths leading us both to the same, dark hell resulting from death. It was as if wilted fields where we had once laid were barren and desolated. It was once a beautiful place where no one could find us and nothing threatened our happiness. The space was whatever we wanted it to be. The flowers that had once bloomed were no longer colorful, only burnt, grey and wilted. The sky we had stared into when infinitely searching for bliss was dark. We had never demanded specific signs from the universe or a purpose beyond our understanding. Without hope or faith in a true higher power, our nature had been poisoned and starved of genuine life. It was all decomposing. It was polluted so heavily, there was no air to breath. The fire was still in sight. Chemicals that had been dumped into the sea by the coast of false hope had tainted our stream of consciousness. It had soaked into the ground, mutating the roots that gripped deeply into the place where we once found peace. There was no shepherd nor sheep. No life was to be left behind. Nothing was there but despair. Dull aches of dying dreams was all the feeling we had left after the disaster. It had destroyed us.

We had loved that place where nothing mattered and no one but ourselves had cared to stay. Once the fire consuming me had come in contact with the chemicals around me, everything that once was seemed to exist had been destroyed. We felt that our nature could never be restored.

But of course, nature would not be without God. The way it can be maintained is only by its dependence on God’s miraculous power and glorified grace. Without it, we were doomed from the start. We did not know that we were so unqualified to manage and maintain that sort of peace. If anything, it had been made to seem perfect so that we would be there when it spoiled. When the way to escape was taken, we were given a reminder of what omnipotence really was. God’s mercy showed us the way out.

When I had to leave my guy for a while, I didn’t know if he was still there. All I did was wonder how badly he was hurting. I imagined him sitting where we had found shade under an age-old tree and shared stories. Fruits of knowledge once hung from the tree’s branches. All that surrounds him now is infested, rotting, fallen. The hunger and thirst are so dire that the dead fruit starts to look appetizing. Though he knows it only makes him sicker, the false hope twists and turns his insides. Still he crawls towards it and eventually collapses, after calling out for help and hearing no response. What he hears, I cannot say. There are explosions nearby. It is no longer a worsening nightmare, but a pure feeling of pain. He knows that seeing the ruin around him. The waves of unbearable heat still burn him, hotter than the hell he lies within already. He digs through the dirt, chemicals soaking into his skin, tearing off his flesh. Digging down into the earth, using it as a shield to save himself. The agony of loneliness, abandonment, and loss is the last of his being. It may turn to ashes or become what is around it. Destruction and death.

Deconstruction of devotion made the delusion dark and daunting. How could I ever find peace again after seeing it all at its worst? What would be a good enough reason to renew this place where we were once free from pain. It would be an attempt to rebuild on top of an unholy grave. What was left of my guy was a forever dying spirit that would never cease to haunt me. The beaches and streams formerly filled with life had dried up. The landscape of my memories only deteriorated my being. Castles made of sand and mountains constructed of unstable stones would crush anything below them trying to cultivate life. With no source of life, no God to make it habitual, it would only be a place where I would be frantically searching for the past. I would never surrender my efforts to figure out how to create life out of death.

God does what we cannot do for ourselves, just as only he alone can cast away demons and illuminate the dark with his light. The only way anything can be reborn is by the power of God. No amount of my will, my thoughts, my feelings would make a difference without trusting him. He is the purpose of all life, death, and infinite continuation. The universe does not give me power, knowledge, or life. It is God that gives the universe power, knowledge, and life. Through nature, I may accept what he has been, is, and will continue to be. I am reminded that he loves me despite my past doubts and denials of his promises. Forgetting him did not make him incapable of forgiving me. He continued to carry me. Woven into the words of the bible, everywhere within and without me, was life beyond the borders of my own understanding. To conceive him as a mere idea or imaginative idol would only be confining myself. Belief in humanity’s capability to become the image of him, living to glorify and make known his purpose, is only possible because of him. To transcend into the light and become holy beings, the spirit of all that is, would be the matter of life itself. It makes everything matter and gives all of the inconceivable, unexplained nature meaning.

To solve every mystery of life on our own would be to know all the stars by name, never feeling the wanting that comes from not knowing or wonder. The innocence one has early in life may be our moments when we are closest to him. Early in life, we have no defiance or discomfort in lacking control or certainty. We live in our discovery and thrive when learning and connecting to everything that is inside and outside of us. The loss of our faith comes from moments of submission to suffering. We are corrupted by overthinking and fear.

The denial of God’s power to protect, strengthen, save us, and the delusion that death is certain. It is fixed, definite, and defined. There is no doubt we will all die and it is undeniable. You will be born and you will die. The moment we die is loss of light and disconnection from the physical world. The freedom of finding love and being a being of light is a way to keep us from being trapped in the deafening, disconnected state darkness. When we are beside a person that dying, in their last moments of life, is it possible that telling them to go to the light is our way of encouraging one to live again? If we were given the choice to continue infinitely, would new life be like a light that illuminates a white space, a clean slate, pure potential, undefined and open to fill with beauty? That would make the decision of death to unchanging, confined to what is known, eliminating the potential or ability to change, grow, or develop into anything. To choose a black void would be a loss of consciousness and connection to God. Without God, we do not bear burdens or believe in being or have any free will. We give our soul to meaninglessness. We are told that this is the ultimate destination. We can gain all the power and all the control we desire and ultimately cease the desire for more, or the insanity of believe we can live by self-made law and be satisfied. You choose to lose your senses, awareness, interest, perception, and knowledge of God in exchange for escape. 

Published by Shea

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